Why You Avoid Difficult Feelings—And Why That’s Okay

Have you ever found yourself avoiding a painful memory, brushing off difficult emotions, or feeling disconnected from what’s happening inside you? Maybe you’ve started therapy but noticed yourself changing the subject, numbing out, or even cancelling sessions when things get uncomfortable.

You might feel like these reactions mean something is wrong with you, that you’re not ready for therapy, or that you’re somehow getting in your own way. But what if I told you that instead of being obstacles, these responses are actually your mind’s way of protecting you? And that bumping up against resistance in therapy doesn't have to be a barrier to growth or change, but can actually can be a normal and important part of the process?

Avoidance is a memory of relief!

Avoidance, denial, and even feeling dissociated are patterns your brain and nervous system learned over years, maybe even decades, as ways to keep you safe.

Psychologist Jim Knipe, an expert in EMDR and trauma therapy, explains that avoidance isn’t just about pushing things away—it’s actually an implicit memory of relief! Somewhere along the way, you learned that avoiding painful emotions was the only way to cope, survive, or maintain connections with others. Over time, your brain stored that relief as a strategy - a survival instinct. So, if you find yourself avoiding painful emotions, it’s not because you’re weak or incapable—it’s because your system has been protecting you in the best way it knows how.

If you’ve ever thought, “I don’t want to think/talk about it” or you suddenly feel blocked in a therapy session, you’re not alone. These responses usually mean that something inside you isn’t ready to feel what’s underneath.

This might look like:

• Avoidance: You might distract yourself by zoning out on your phone or mindlessly snacking whenever an uncomfortable feeling comes up.

  
  

• Minimizing: You might convince yourself that something isn’t a big deal, telling yourself, “It wasn’t that bad” or “Other people have it worse.”

• Denial: You might convince yourself that nothing bad actually happened, or that despite something bad happening, it didn’t impact you (when it actually did!)

• Resistance: You might feel angry, irritated, defensive, or change the subject when someone brings up certain topics, even when you don’t fully understand why.

  
  

• Idealization: You might attribute only positive qualities, feelings, or memories to a person, or to your childhood, while minimizing or ignoring negative aspects as a way to protect yourself from distressing emotions, conflicts, or disappointments.

• Dissociation: You might go somewhere else in your mind, feel numb, spacey, or disconnected, as if your emotions are happening to someone else.

These are all understandable responses to painful or overwhelming experiences that happened in the past, especially if you didn’t have someone to comfort you or help you make sense of your experiences while you were growing up.

What If We Stopped Fighting These Responses?

Getting frustrated with yourself or fighting against your mind’s protective instincts doesn’t usually help. Instead, what if we approached these patterns with curiosity and respect? Rather than seeing these responses as barriers in the therapy process, I see them as doorways - as opportunities to open new pathways to growth and healing.

What stands in the way becomes the way.” Marcus Aurelius

Next time you notice yourself avoiding something painful, try asking:

• “What might this part of me be protecting?”

• “Haw had avoiding this helped me feel safe in the past?”

• "What am I afraid might happen if I let myself feel?"

• “What would happen if I gave myself permission to go slow?”

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to relive painful memories or pushing through resistance.

If you’ve spent years (or even a lifetime) avoiding difficult feelings, your system may not trust that it’s safe to face them yet. And that’s okay. 

Try telling yourself:

➡ “I can take this at my own pace.”

➡ “There is a reason my system is responding this way.”

➡ “I don’t have to force myself to feel everything at once.”

The more you approach yourself with patience and compassion, the safer your system will feel. And when you feel safe, those protective responses—avoidance, resistance, denial, dissociation—won’t need to work so hard.

A non-judging and supportive therapist can help you make sense of what your system is protecting and why. They can offer a safe space to explore these patterns at your own pace, helping you develop new ways to approach difficult emotions without feeling overwhelmed. With the right support, avoidance shifts from feeling like a barrier, to something that gently guides you toward what needs care and attention.